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In dappled light fallen
bright in a secluded glen,
a great castle-oak
rises in the four directions.

His face is fair,
tumbling leaves for his hair
and mossy beard; with boles
for eyes, he is the watcher.

Birds roost upon his brow,
nest through every long bough
that serpents over forest floor
and withered roots deep-sewn.

There is a hush here
louder than night-whisperers.
This is an experiment with rhyme. My problem with rhyme is how blatantly obvious it can become with a fixed rhythm, so that the reader anticipates the scheme before they get to the end of the lines. The culprit here, however, may not be rhyme. It may be rhythm. So I am trying to write a poem with a fixed rhyme scheme but no set rhythm. Not sure how successful this could be...

Anyway, so it's
A, A, no rhyme, near-rhyme A.
B, B, no rhyme, near-rhyme B.
etc. etc.


EDIT: (7/28/10) Shifted and changed the first stanza a bit. Hopefully it is clearer now and makes more sense. A belated thank you to ~Osiristhrasher06 and =nycterent for the helpful insights.
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:iconageofaenya:
AGEOFAENYA Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Professional Writer
Beautiful work. I am looking for a poet to help me write lyrics for my novel. Contact if interested.
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:icondaft-enigma:
Daft-Enigma Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. I love this.
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:iconiamphoenixmoth:
IAmPhoenixMoth Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2010
Justin's still around? Wow.

If your intent in the poem's tone was to bring that hush to life, you succeeded admirably through the imagery. My favorite is the third stanza; did you use "serpents" as a verb there? That was clever. Unless I'm reading it wrong.

I haven't kept up with your writing as I ought to.
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:iconpiscesandthediamonds:
Piscesandthediamonds Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
stunning imagery coupled with personification :heart:
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:iconcheerah:
CheeRah Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2009
I like the way you think, you're systematic, unlike myself, but the intention is similar. Nice1 ;)
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:iconosiristhrasher06:
Osiristhrasher06 Featured By Owner May 11, 2009
I really enjoyed this. The slant rhymes at the end of each strophe were kind of refreshing, and I read through pretty fluidly. I especially enjoyed the second strophe; it reads the best out of the whole poem.

(And I enjoyed the internal rhyme you thrust right into the very beginning with lines one and two [I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but it's still effective])

Question: to me, the fourth line reads a little odd. I get the imagery sought after by the tree rising in compass rose directions, but the way it's written, I found myself wanting to put in 'rises' instead.

Just a thought; take it with a grain of salt.

All in all, a nice read. I like it. :)
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:iconthebrassglass:
TheBrassGlass Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2010  Professional General Artist
You are right, absolutely right. I've now changed it to "rises". Sorry it took me over a year to get back to you on this, and thank you for the suggestion!
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:iconnycterent:
nycterent Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2009  Professional Writer
:highfive: for the rhyme - the best kind is the one that makes the lines ring without you ever hearing the bells.


Mmm, first strophe was a sentence fragment - yes, of course you know that - and it made me pause. I like the ambiguity of the syntax in L1 and2.
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:iconthebrassglass:
TheBrassGlass Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2010  Professional General Artist
The first strophe was a sentence fragment. At first intentional; now I realize it was silly. It's been changed. I appreciate your pointing it out, and apologize that it took me like a year and a half to get back to you on it. Thanks so much. :heart:
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:iconcheekymonkeyali:
cheekymonkeyali Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2009
I think I need some elucidation before I understand

"A, A, no rhyme, near-rhyme A.
B, B, no rhyme, near-rhyme B."

I like it well enough though :)
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:iconthebrassglass:
TheBrassGlass Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2009  Professional General Artist
Ah, yeah. Rhyming couplets are "A, A, B, B" and a common rhyme scheme is "A, B, A, B". This one has the first two lines of the stanzas rhyming, the third line not rhyming with anything, and the last line with a near-rhyme of the first two. Does that make more sense?
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:iconcheekymonkeyali:
cheekymonkeyali Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2009
Got it. Thanks :)

Maybe you can clear something else up for me too :) It has always confused me that words such as "fallen" and "glen" are considered to rhyme. To me rhyme is a function of sound and clearly these two words are very different both because the vowel sounds are different and because of how in "fallen" the stress is on the first syllable.

Is there some conventional wisdom on such things in the world of poetry?
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:iconthebrassglass:
TheBrassGlass Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2009  Professional General Artist
Traditionally you're probably right. It's as much about the rhythm of the stressed syllables as it is about the ending sound or letters. And the rhythm is where a lot of people get lazy nowadays. As far as I know, though, if the ending letters are the same and sound the same, it can technically be considered a rhyme. I'm certainly no authority on the subject.

In this piece, I'm not sure that it matters all too much because the rhythm is intended to be wonky in the first place.
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:iconcheekymonkeyali:
cheekymonkeyali Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2009
Dammit, now I am thinking about poetry, and I don't have time to write poetry ;)
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:iconltcommanderdata:
LtCommanderData Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2009  Hobbyist Photographer
Very cool structure! I do alot of those "near-rhymes" but I try to pull them off as real rhymes. Great job!
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:iconprodigalartist16:
ProdigalArtist16 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2009
I think it was largely successful. It was a pleasure to read, and the slight unexpectedness or quirkiness of the rhymes and non-rhymes and rhythm (or lack thereof) were quite interesting. I like it.
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:iconthebrassglass:
TheBrassGlass Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2009  Professional General Artist
Thanks so much for reading it and taking the time to comment. :) It's awesome to see you around again!
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:iconprodigalartist16:
ProdigalArtist16 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2009
You're very welcome. By the way, I'd love to hear what you have to say about my new drawing. Anyway, I think I've gotta play catch-up with everyone's artwork. Ah! I'm off.
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:iconb1gfan:
b1gfan Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2009  Student Writer
serene and beautiful
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